Espresso Barn Animals

Dear Kayla

I slept with someone else.

I went to her place, drunk, at 3:30am. If that’s not a call of bootay, I don’t know what is. She tried desperately to avoid my persistence. I know what she wanted but she honestly tried to be a gentelady and slap my paws away. That could only last so long though. Nothing happened for a long time, I guess maybe she thought I wanted something more but I was even quite content with just holding someone. I wished I was holding you at that time. She smelled great, but all I wanted was to remember what you smelled like, felt like. Why couldn’t I remember? I just wanted that smell. 8 am rolled around and I magically fell asleep, which I don’t do a whole lot of since we ended. It was a short lived sleep, we woke up early and played in bed all day until she finally couldn’t resist me any longer and we had sex. It was fun, it was great. It wasn’t with you though, which makes me feel really uncomfortable. I feel like, you would’ve loved that me that she had; playful, confidant, undeniably sexy. Why wasn’t I ever that girl for so long with you? I know the reasons completely, that was your fault, and mine too that I let it bother me so much. I forgive you I really do, it wasn’t until I wasn’t with you anymore that my forgiveness actually confirmed fully in my heart. The tension that was with us has finally been released. I loved staring in someone else’s eyes while the sun came up and then set again. I had this pounding in my heart and thighs that was different, because it wasn’t with you. I hope I can have that again with you even, maybe some day. I could do that for you too, because I’m on a fast track to being myself again, and not hurting anymore. I love you so much. I can’t believe I slept with someone else. I miss what we had. I know we can’t have our past again though, something happened and we drifted apart and there’s no going back to that. But I will still love you, I will be as much of a friend to you as I can. When I looked at her, held her, felt her, smelled her, tasted her, it bothered me that it wasn’t you, but it felt so good and it felt so right, and I’d do it all over again, with her, or someone else. I just hope that as time continues to go by, it’ll hurt less, and I’ll think less of you throughout the whole thing. 

Your Tess.